Friends Karen

Well it seems that I lost 2 of my friends. Last night I got a text from Karen… “Sorry haven’t been around. Am going thru some painful feelings. Need time to sort out I guess.”  I texted back, “friends don’t treat friends like that, there is no loyalty and to be honest I’m really sick of excuses do whatever you want” , she texted back “goodbye”  I’m not sure how to take that, either it is over or she can’t deal with me being honest.  It’s not like she has friends crawling out her ass. She does not have a support system. She has been in a relationship for close to 32 years. She just told me that her partner wants to live alone. She has to find a different place to live in the future. She just now got a cell phone other than that she has nothing in her name.

She is the one that found me 4 years ago. It had been over 25 years since we had talked. When we were younger we played guitars together. We met at a church camp. I think I was 15. When I came back from Milwaukee, we became lovers I was 19 and it was the first time that I was with a woman. So there is a lot of history between us. She even came to visit 2 years ago. We had the best time ever.

I had given her some stuff to sell and she told me that the money was in the mail. I knew it was a lie my gut was telling me so. So I said fine and waited a little longer. Found out later she spent the money. So she started to pay me back 10 to 20 bucks at a time. There was nothing ever consistence to the payments. I got sucked in by all her empty promises. I did it on a couple occasions, so that is shame on me…  

I want to believe the best about people, actions speak loud than words. I can say I really don’t trust Karen anymore. Part of me feels dead inside about the whole thing. I guess I let people step all over me, but when I have had enough, decisions come easier. I’m feeling fed up, pissed off, hurt and used. Maybe that is why my brother Mark said to be careful, he said that she really fucked him over, probably more than once too.

So I am left with the unknown. Will she call or won’t she, if she does what would I say? So here comes the part where I have to turn it over, easier said than done…

ROBBED

Well it has been 2 months...

It was 1:00 am Sunday the 9th of June. I had fallen asleep in the recliner chair watching TV. I was awakened by Jill saying that someone was here. The dogs were stirring. I opened up the door a crack and didn't recognize them. I told them to go away that I didn't know them and that is when he showed me his gun. He and his buddy made their way in, and said that they were there for the weed and money. My gun was inches away, but with his finger on the trigger and the hammer cocked back and pointed at my head I decided that it was too risky to go for my gun. They came for the 2 ounces that I had just gotten. There were only three people that knew I was getting any.

The one that had the gun had short blondish hair short. He also had a tear drop tattoo under his right eye. He had no shirt on; he was skinny, like I could have wrapped my hand around his neck. He had tan pants on. He also was tan. His buddy had dark brown curly hair that was sticking up. He was wearing blue jeans and a blue shirt. He did not say a word.

After they got my medication (marijuana) they turn and left, I grabbed my gun and followed them the one with the gun hopped over the fence and I yelled he turned and I open fire. They had a getaway car waiting. I did not see the color of the vehicle. There was no moon out that night and there are no lights on the street where I’m at.

I was more in shock than I was afraid. Hell I’m more afraid of my step dad than I was of them. So many things played out in my head of how I could disarm him. It still plays through my head.

Of course I feel violated, I wanted so bad to hurt this little fucker, I still do.

My psyche med appointment on Wed morning…

I’m just sitting thinking about my day, the more I think about my doctor appointment, I just start feeling pissed. I’m manic my mind is a racing. I’ve been in a panic all fucking day. My insides feel like a game of air hockey. My appointment was with a psychiatric nurse practitioner. This was my second visit. I was feeling very anxious about the appointment anyway and not looking forward to it. I got shit about my medication the first time; I knew the second trip was going to be worse.  

I’m sure Kristen is a nice person and all that, but when I hear, “I feel uncomfortable with your medications”; this is not going to be pretty. For one she is not my medical doctor! She called my pharmacy even though I gave her a sheet with everything I take and doses. That screams to me I don’t TRUST you; you are a MORON you don’t know what you are taking. And people wonder why I’m paranoid. Who would not pick up on that? I’m sure she sees all types. But don’t lump me all together in one group.

This is all over Adderall and Xanax. Not Geodon, Resperdone, Cymbalta, or Trazodone… go figure

Let me back up a second, I was first diagnosed with bi polar, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder a fancy word for manic depression, old school, in March of 1985. Three months after my sister was killed in a car accident. I never had so much medication thrown at me. I looked at the past 28 years of doctors that practiced on me. I wish I had a dollar for every pill I have taken I’d be fucking rich. Ahh, but that’s in all past. (It’s hard to type when you have eye lashes poking you in the eye) I was diagnosed a short time later with a panic disorder and ADD now known as ADHD. http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/adhd-medication-chart They tried for 4 years with non-narcotic drugs. The benzo family http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine was introduced to me in the hospital on one of my many visits.  I have tried them all and Xanax works the best. It is fast and when I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest I want something to relieve it. When I’m all in a panic and anxious I don’t want to wait 5 hours for a drug to work, I am worthless to myself and to others when I’m in that frame of mind. I started out on stimulates in 1991, boy it sure would have helped when I was going to college, my mind was always wondering could not stayed focused to save my soul. Even with the Adderall my mind still takes off and I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. It is better with it than without it. I have to try harder and I get frustrated, discouraged, and hopeless and shut down. How many people do you know can sit in a boat all night and fish for 14 hours at a pop, and do it week after week, try it I dare you… LOL I give most people 6 hours before they crack.

Trust is a two sided coin doctors don’t trust you or think you don’t know what you are talking about. This was the place my insurance found, the place that I went to shut its doors the first of June. I found out the end of May. Sucks for me, because now I have to break in new staff. I have been there 4 times each costing 35 bucks a pop. I have had an intake and then another in take to see if I qualify for SMI (seriously mentally ill) http://www.samhc.com/SMI-Determination.php status. I have had that label before hear and when I lived in MN. You are supposed to get more services.  I saw Kristen on July 10^th the first time. I left there that day with a bad feeling.

Kristen made a comment to me about mixing Xanax and some vicaden I had gotten a couple of months ago when my neck flared up from falling in the boat. Something about how dangerous it was. A Black Label warning. There you go again, assuming that I know nothing… I’m not a FUCKING IDIOT for God sake. She also said something about research saying long term use of barbiturates causes dementia, like my brain has not been affected by all the ECT (electric shock therapy) http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/electroconvulsive-therapy give me a fucking beak. I got parts of my memory that will never come back. I have whole chunks missing. No one gives a shit about that.

Whenever I see a doctor I feel like I’m on the defense, like I have to beg for the medication I need. I get so sick of fighting… it makes me feel like just quitting everything and telling everyone to get fucked. I take the Adderall every day and I take the Xanax prn it could be twice a week or ten times a week. I don’t keep track of how many I take, who fucking cares. It is all about saving your ass and what the company believes. Doctors talk about quality of life, I thought they were there to help you feel better, just make you squirm.

I went into the hospital with pancreatitis about 6 years ago. My spleen was larger than normal. I was there like 5 days. They basically said I had cancer they didn’t know what kind. More tests, more money. Almost 2 years later they do a PET Scan, I have no cancer. The unknowing and waiting were all hard on me. Thank God I don’t have cancer, the fear was hard and I felt all alone, just me and my thoughts. They didn’t know so they told me the worse, is that fucked up or what? 

Then you throw in my medical marijuana card and that really put there panties in a twist. We didn’t really discuss it, running out of time. It was 6 years ago May 30 that I started smoking marijuana. The first time in 25 years. November 6, 1982 is my sobriety birthday, I check into the hospital the night before to get sober. I was 21. This was my third attempt the first time was when I was 15 and the second time when I was 17. I have not taken a drink in over 30 years. I owe my life to AA. I have learned a few things in the past 3 decades. I still go to meetings. I can only be true to myself no one else; I have to be able to live with myself. I walked a straight line. I judged people because they smoked pot; I used to think I was better than they were, puffed out my chest and everything.

Back to May 30… I had just gotten out of the psyche hospital after about 9 days. I was feeling suicidal and my thoughts were horrorable. I was feeling trapped in my own body. They switched some of my meds around I made one friend and we are still friends to this day. I thought I was feeling better and I was discharged. What I know now is that I was hypo-manic. That night I crashed hard I was having suicidal thoughts and just wanting to die. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed to God for help. I had a plan, which I was going to wrap myself up in a tarp and shoot myself in my shower. I figured out that I had tried everything to feel better. I could have gone back into the hospital but I was sick of that and there is nothing really to do. It is just a holding tank.

 I was into Wicken back then so I had a lot of herbs in my collection and I had some marijuana in there as well. I had thought about smoking marijuana before. I even talked to my therapist about it. She said not to do it. She never really gave me an answer of why not. She died from colon cancer in February 2007.

 I thought what do I have to loose, I mean I was planning on killing myself, so I got out the marijuana and smoke some. I tried to wake Jill up (she was living in the trailer next to my house) she didn’t believe me, she went back to sleep. When I smoked it for the first time in 25 years it made me a little paranoid. It also relieved that depression and fear and wanting to die was lifted. I switched to medical grade in 2010 when the law passed and I have not looked back. I’ve had nothing but positive feedback on my mood. 

Boy did I have to vent. I had to do something. I’ve been reevaluating 2 of my friendships. I’m still waiting to hear back from them since Saturday. Nothing like getting blown off, I heard so many excuses of why they couldn’t call it makes me sick. I hate it when people lie to your face as if you are so stupid.

Now that I'm only making a bi monthly newsletter, I am going to used my blog. I have been feeling more depressed and yesterday was the worst I have felt in almost 6 years. I had suicidal thoughts and feeling, I was in a dark hole and could not crawl out yesterday. Today is better.

I got word today that a friend of mine dad committed suicide last night. I feel bad for Tisha. I can just pray for her and her family. I have attempted suicide before. I know what is like to just give up. It sucks when you are in that frame of mind.